


Bad Disease

by caribou121



Category: Agent Carter (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-01 23:49:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4039354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caribou121/pseuds/caribou121
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Angie deals with her anxiety over how she feels about Peggy caused by the homophobia she's been exposed to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Disease

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song Bad Disease from May Jailor's( now Lana Del Rey) album Sirens.

_There's some reason why I can't sit still_  
Every waking moment I feel so unfulfilled  
  
Angie watched Peggy take a large gulp of water from the glass she had just poured. She had returned downstairs drenched in sweat that highlighted every curve of her muscles, must have finished her work out Angie thought. Angie was glad at times like this that she had never given into her temptations to ‘accidentally’ walk in on Peggy during one of her vigorous workouts. If she ever did she didn’t think she’d be able to stop herself or her thoughts from running away with themselves. Not that they weren’t currently, no her imagination wouldn’t stop wondering no matter how desperately she tried to stop it. “Angie?” Peggy’s voice snapped her out of trance, her eyes going wide as she tried to figure out just where exactly she had been staring. “Are you alright? You seem a little distracted?” Peggy noticed Angie was tugging her dress and bunching it up in her hands and was quite worried about her friends seemingly nervous demeanour.  
“Oh I’m fine, Pegs, sorry. My head’s just been a bit in the clouds lately, not sure why. Actually I gotta phone my Ma, I’ll be down later.” Angie threw Peggy a smile and hopped of the chair. Honestly the biggest role she’s played to date is herself, she thought as she ascended the stairs hurriedly.  
  
Once in the safety of her own room she sat down against the cool wood of the door and put her hands on the floor, effectively grounding herself and, she hoped, her thoughts too. Should she go to bed? Being unconscious would mean the thoughts couldn’t bother her, in fact it was the only way she could stop them sometimes. But Peggy might wonder why she were sleeping during the day again. Angie took a deep breath and lifted herself slowly from the ground, her heart was racing and her breathe shallow. Maybe she should have a shower? Then she thought Peggy was probably using the shower too... could they both shower at once? Or would the hot water stop working? She had only been in Stark’s mansion a week with Peggy but there were some questions she felt kinda stupid asking. Her brain had latched onto the thought of Peggy in the shower and Angie scolded herself, trying to get the image out of her mind.  
  
_I try to lie down, but I don't know how_  
Baby, when I'm sleeping, if it's less like I am dreaming  
  
She paced nervously for a few minutes, sighting ‘Padre Nostre’ over and over again. This isn’t happening, this isn’t real, she told herself. This wouldn’t help in the long-term sure, but it might quell her anxiety for now. It’s just a nightmare, I’m gonna wake up from this one day. She continued to appease her racing thoughts with calming ones. Combatting ‘I’m going to hell’ with ‘No I won’t, as long as I don’t act on what I’m thinkin bout’. That’s what the priest had told her, she was broken and sick but as long as she didn’t act on her thoughts and repented to God he may forgive her of her sins.  
  
“Ave Maria, piena di grazia, il Signore è con te. Tu sei benedetta fra le donne e benedetto è il frutto del tuo seno, Gesú. Santa Maria, Madre di Dio, prega per noi peccatori, adesso e nell'ora della nostra morte.” Angie fiddled with her rosary beads as she went through the motions. She didn’t care for saying the rosary really but the familiar motions of it sometimes reminded her of when she would sit and her Nonna would teach her the right Italian way. Angie thought about going to confession briefly again but thought better of it. She had decided that there was no point in draggin herself shamefully to that booth another time, it wasn’t gonna fix her. No, that was up to herself. Plus the priest was a real asshole. Mamma liked to hear that she’d been though, she’d ask Father Corrieri every week on Sundays if he’d seen Angie lately. Eventually Angie told Ma she was moving to another church in the city, closer to where she lived now. Where she lived now... Angie hadn’t quite worked out how to tell her Ma about her current situation. If she knew it was just Angie and Peggy, that she was living with another woman, Ma would give her that look she always did. The one she hated that said, ‘You’re a dissapointment Angela, you’re disgusting and wrong, why can you not be normal?’. God did she hate that look.  
  
Angie’s breathing had slowed down now slightly but her head was still spinning, her thoughts a mixing pot of guilt and fear. How the hell was she gonna go on like this? Living was Peggy felt like the best thing that had ever happened to her. But going through every day terrified Peggy would find out and how she would react was already taking its toll on Angie and she had only been here a week. It was Peggy with her hair mussed up in her silk robe in the mornings that did it or her post workout sheen, her gloriously tight work skirts, oh Dio how did she end up back at this again?

 _I got a bad disease_  
It's got me down  
On my knees  
Will no one help me please?  
Not even you  
  
Angie kneeled down by her bed. This had to stop. She would stop whenever she had a bad thought and pray, just like they told her to. Something to take her mind off of her thoughts. Hands clasped together she wondered aloud to God in her native language, why did you make me this way? Why won’t you fix me? Is anybody ever gonna love me like this? Why won’t you help me Lord? Please I need some strength right now, I think I might be falling in love with her. I can’t fall in love with her. She’d hate me if she knew.  
  
Angie knew that last thought may be irrational. If anybody would ever accept her it would be Peggy. Kind hearted, warm natured Peggy. But that made the thought of her find out ever more terrifying. What if the person she’d fallen for thought she was sick, broken, and diseased like everyone else did. Peggy wouldn’t think that right? Angie started to cry, seemed she’d been doing that a lot lately. She let only a few tears fall at first, holding them back for the most part and hoping it would pass. But now she was on her bed curled up and sobbing. Her mind felt cloudy and her thoughts incoherent. So she wept and tried to keep her breathing from becoming too fast. She held tightly to the covers on her bed, an anchor to the world she so wished that she could leave sometimes.  
  
There was a small knock at the door then, Peggy must have heard her. Shit, how loud had she been? “Angie, are you ok, darling?” Peggy hovered tentatively at the door hoping that Angie would let her in. She had been acting differently these past few days, a little more closed off than usual. And now here she was crying, it made Peggy’s heart swell. “Angie?”  
  
She couldn’t move, she couldn’t answer Peggy. She felt caught, how would she play this one off? She knew she was a good actress but no amount of acting would cover her red eyes and tear stained cheeks.  
  
_There's a fear I have_  
A feeling real bad  
I'm fine now if I find out that I'm not  
I'll be sad  
  
Angie didn’t trust herself right now, not with Peggy. When Peggy looked at her softly, intent on comforting her Angie didn’t trust that she wouldn’t give in and tell her everything. “Yeah, I’m fine English.” She tried to think of something else to say so she wouldn’t have to answer the door but Peggy had already nudged it open a little and peaked her head in.  
  
“Do you... could I come in?” Peggy didn’t quite know what to do but she knew she wanted to comfort the younger woman and ventured a little further into the room. Then she saw Angie’s face and her heart jumped “What’s wrong? Did something happen?” She sat down next to Angie and took her hand in her own.  
  
“I must look awful, sorry English,” Angie let out a small laugh, “It’ nothin really.”  
  
“Angie, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to of course but,” she searched for the eye contact that Angie seemed to be avoiding, “I wish that you would, perhaps I could help in some way?” Peggy wanted to reach out, touch Angie’s cheek and wipe away the tears but Angie hadn’t liked being too close lately. Whenever Peggy went to touch her she flinched slightly so she stopped herself from getting any closer. It broke her heart to see Angie like this. Then she forgot herself and upon seeing another tear fall she reached out and stopped it with her thumb and rested her hand gently on the other woman’s cheek. At this Angie couldn’t hold it in any longer and started to cry again, overwhelmed by the older woman’s kindness.  
  
“I’m so sorry Peggy.” She said through shaky sobs, her hand covering her mouth.  
  
“No Angie, you musn’t be. You’ve done nothing wrong,” Peggy pulled Angie towards her and into a hug, her hand rubbing at the base of Angie’s neck while the younger woman rested her head on her shoulder. Peggy hushed Angie’s sobs as Angie mumbled something into her shoulder.  
  
She sniffed a little as she pulled back off Peggy’s shoulder and looked at her. Peggy’s eyes were filled with worry at the sight of Angie being so distraught. And Angie felt immediately guilty as she started to explain, “I’m... I’m a queer Pegs. I’m broken and I don’t know how t’ fix it. I can’t get ridda these feelings for you and I know you probably hate me now but I just don’t wanna lie to you anymore an-” Angie was stopped midsentence as Peggy pressed a small kiss on her still wet cheek. She looked up to see a myriad of emotions wash over Angie’s face; shock, confusion, realisation and then relief. For once, Angie found herself with no words, she grabbed Peggy into a close hug and realised she hadn’t felt this happy since her childhood. This was safety, comfort, acceptance. This was what happiness felt like. After wondering what it felt like for so long Angie didn’t know what to do with it. So she held onto Peggy tightly and cried again, this time for entirely different reasons.  
  
“Angie, please, never think there is anything wrong with you. You’re beautiful and one of the most caring people I have ever met. You mean so much to me, I can’t bear to think of you having awful thoughts about yourself.” Peggy spoke hoping to make Angie realise these things as true and moved her hand up and down her back soothingly. “And I’d rather you didn’t try to get rid of those feelings you may have for me. I think I might be having the same ones for you my dear.” Peggy wondered if it was the right time for her to confess such a thing but Angie had just laid so much of herself out to Peggy and she felt it only right to reciprocate.  
  
Angie lifted her head and smiled slightly at Peggy nervously. Then Peggy saw her smile fade to worry again, before she could ask her what was wrong Angie asked her, “Peggy... is this, well, I’m not dreaming am I? This is real?” Peggy’s heart sunk at the question Angie had so quietly asked her. That Angie could only imagine somebody accepting her, loving her for who she is, while she was dreaming made Peggy both mad and terribly saddened.  
  
“Yes, this is real darling. I’m right here,” Peggy moved her hand to cup Angie’s cheek, her other still holding the younger girls tenderly. Angie took a moment to feel the touch of Peggy’s hand on her face, take in the feel of their legs pressed up against one another. It was real. And it was all Angie had ever wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> Angie is a precious cinnamon roll and I'm sorry for putting her through that. To be honest I don't think this characterisation of Angie is at all accurate but I wanted to write angst so here wea re. Also I didn't really edit this so apologies for any mistakes..


End file.
